Don't like my swearing? Go away!

This morning, just as I was getting my second cup of coffee, I received a notification that someone on Pinterest had commented on a pin I had on my “Good quotes” board. The comment was confusing and I didn’t get what the person meant. As I was pondering this, I received another notification of a second comment from this person. I had to go to the pin itself to see what she was talking about – then I had to roll my eyes. Apparently, this person not only assumed that I was the person to create that very pin and was therefore responsible for the words on it (which is NOT true), but she was also offended by the swearing on that pin.

Seriously??

Instead of telling her to go fuck herself, I politely let her know that I was not the person who created that pin. Therefore, I am not the person who put those swear words on it. I decided that would be the end of it and made a mental note to block her if she bothered me again.

I am so sick and tired of people getting on my case for swearing. Seriously, I am a 42-year-old woman, not some child for anyone to discipline. I. Am. Allowed. To. Swear!!!!

I don’t swear to get attention. I don’t swear because my dad swore. I don’t swear to offend anyone or make them cower into some corner. It’s just a part of the way I communicate! And I’ll be damned if I am going to allow anyone, especially some chick on the Internet, to have any kind of control over how I speak. I won’t watch my language just because it MIGHT offend someone. If I am talking with someone who I know doesn’t like swearing, I’ll refrain from using swear words. But if it’s on something like a blog post, a book, on a pin, on a meme or some Facebook post that is NOT directed at any one particular person, then I’ll say whatever the hell I want to!

If I want to swear, I will! If people don’t like it, that is too fucking bad.

In fact, if they don’t like it, they can just leave me the hell alone. Don’t talk to me. Don’t follow me. Don’t read shit on my page or read my blogs. (It’s not like I already have a huge readership, anyway!) Don’t check out my pins on Pinterest and, please, do not try to tell me I should not swear. Because guess what? YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! No one is. In fact, I am the boss of myself, and I am perfectly fine with swearing. I am TOTALLY okay with swearing. I mean, it’s not like I am spewing Satanic incantations or spreading hatred around on the ‘Net.

Swear words are just words. And words do not bother me at all. Words have NO power over me. I was bullied for YEARS by people who used words as their weapon to hurt me, put me down, make me wish I was dead, and hate the world. But eventually, I grew immune to hurtful words. I built up a defense against their verbal attacks. I got to a point where I could shrug off their words and NOT CARE what they thought about me. Because all that matters is what I think about me.

Some people find swearing offensive but I don’t think swearing is offensive. There are lots of other things in this world that I find to be offensive. Racism is one of them. Homophobia is another. Verbally abusing a child is offensive, as is animal cruelty.

But swearing? Nope, I don’t think swearing is offensive at all. Swearing doesn’t bother me one bit! So I swear. And if someone else swears, more power to them! (Coincidentally, one person who put me down for swearing on Facebook actually used a swear word in one of her posts later on. Hypocrisy much?)

I understand that someone else may find swearing offensive. It’s a free country; you can be offended by swearing if that’s your thing. I understand that. I respect that.

But unless I am actually talking to YOU or unless it’s something directed at YOU, then my swearing on the Internet is just me talking like I always do. If I think something is funny, I’ll pin it or share it even if it has a swear word or two on it. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!!! It was not directed at you. It was not meant for you. So try looking the other way or just ignoring it. In fact, if you can’t handle my swearing on the Internet, then do me a HUGE favor and stop trying to control me. You will fail. Instead, just go away. Leave me alone. Please!

There's things going wrong and things going VERY wrong!

There is a popular expression that I know too well: “Man plans and God laughs.”

Given that I have had so many things happen in life that seems to permanently knock me off course, it would seem that this is the theme for my laugh. But I don’t blame God for my misfortunes! I blame Life itself. It’s like Life – with a capital “L” – is lurking in a corner and waiting to strike with a lightning bolt every time I get an idea for something that I want to do. And sometimes, those bolts strike so well that they pretty much knock me to the ground for good. One thing I say to my kids when things don’t go right is “Get back on that horse!” But when these things happen – these things that permanently cancel out my plans – I can’t get back on that horse. The horse has pretty much taken off without me!

This is why I often cry out, “Every time I try to DO something!”

I am not talking about temporary setbacks. I know those are only temporary and should not be seen as  the end-all for things that I try to do. (Hey, I didn’t let rejection stop me from getting my first book published!) I am talking about the things that have pretty much deep-sixed my plans.

Like today, for example. All I wanted to do was go for a walk this morning. That’s it! Just an innocent morning stroll.

But it didn’t happen.

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch, watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, when I suddenly wanted to check my phone (which was on a charger nearby). So I got up from the couch and, suddenly, I had muscle spasms in my back and I was on the floor and couldn’t move. I was in a lot of pain! In the course of my falling, I knocked the phone from its perch and it fell to the floor with me. Fortunately, the screen did not crack and the phone was not broken. Phew! It still worked okay. Also fortunately, my son was with me, so he helped me out by getting the Ibuprofen and ice pack. (I had to swing my body around to move it to a sitting position on the couch. I was pretty much frozen into a sitting position when my back went out!)

So, yeah. My back went out on me yesterday. I am just so glad someone was there to help me when it happened. But this morning, I woke up with more muscle spasms and it was pretty much an indication that I wasn’t going to be able to go for that walk. I just wanted to go for a walk! Dammit.

But this is pretty much an example of how things happen that cancel out other things. I know, life’s full of disappointments. I know, we gotta be able to deal with things not working out the way we want them to. (I know this SO WELL!!) And I know we gotta “roll with the punches” in life. That’s what I tell my kids: Learn how to roll with the punches. Be adaptable to things going wrong or not the way we want them to.

But it’s like I have done so much rolling and rolling and rolling because of one punch after another. It’s crazy! It’s frustrating! And sometimes it has even made me scream, “Fuck you, Life!!”

Because it just keeps happening.

I wanted to join the Air Force as a teen.
BOOM!
I became deaf.

I wanted to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity.
BOOM!
My parents forbade it.

I wanted to go to college in Boston.
BOOM!
My parents forbade that, too.

I applied to this other school closer to home.
BOOM!
The letter of recommendation from someone fucked that up.

I ask for a raise at one of my jobs.
BOOM!
I got fired.

I wanted to meet someone.
BOOM!
That got fucked up, too.

I finally get a job working for a publishing company.
BOOM!
The boss turned out to be shady (lying to authors and charging hidden fees) so I was forced to resign.

I finally got a new job after months of applying for one.
BOOM!
It turned out to be a scam. (Why are there so many sucky people in this world? Ugh.)

So, yeah. I have had things happen that permanently canceled out certain things I wanted to do in life. The temporary obstacles are only temporary. Ya know? I wasn’t able to do something the first time (like take a first aid course – the instructor was an asshole so I dropped it), but I’ll try them again! That’s why there are two main things, two very important things, that I am going to try to make happen in my life again. (Running in a race without coming in last and starting my own publishing company.) (Am I jinxing myself just by revealing them???) I won’t give up on these things because they are VERY important to me! I don’t want to leave this world without doing them! And I won’t give up on them, either!

But I have had to give up on other things after certain events canceled them out. I have just had to learn to say “Fuck this shit!” and walk away. Those things were NOT going to happen for me in this lifetime! They were NOT going to be a reality for me! So I have had to learn to accept the fact that sometimes things don’t work out the way I want them to.

But, dammit, it’s like that KEEPS happening! That’s like the theme for my life! It’s Mission: Impossible!!! I want to do something then some shit comes along canceling it out. Are these things being canceled out for a reason? Is Life doing this for my own good? Or are these HUGE GINORMOUS OBSTACLES not as permanent as I think they are?

Well, I am grateful that at least I have managed to accomplish some things in life. I mean, yeah, I’ve been able to do things I have set my mind to. I read 100 books in a year. At a time in my life when I was desperate for a baby, I soon had a baby! When I wanted to get my book published by a REAL publisher because the first one was scammy, I got my book published by a real publisher! (And, no, I didn’t pay a dime for that, either.) I wanted to save up for an event for us to go to and, no matter what life threw at us that required spending money, I held on to THAT saved money and we were able to go! So, yes, I have accomplished SOME things I set out to do.

I would like to do other things, too. Make things a reality for my life instead of wishing and hoping and dreaming and going, “Gee, if only…” I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to wish for those things anymore. I wanna make them happen!

Despite the fact that I get knocked off that horse a lot. 

But I’ll be damned if I stay down after getting knocked off again. If something gets canceled out, then I’ll try something else! I’ll move on to the next thing! Or, I’ll find some way to make something happen, even if it means stepping outside of my comfort zone. (Been there, done that!) I might get knocked off in a way that cancels out one thing or another that I want to do, and it’s so insanely frustrating that that keeps happening in my life, but experience has pretty much given me the strength to walk away from it all. Just say “Fuck this shit!” and move on with my life. At least I can dust myself off and say, “I tried.” That’s about all that I can do.

Religious hypocrisy

If there is one thing that is difficult for me to tolerate, it’s religious hypocrisy. This is something that we see everywhere every day, unfortunately. It’s so rampant and so common that a lot of people have gotten to the point where it’s not even a big deal for them anymore. Well, it’s a big deal for me. I think if you’re going to get on your high horse about your religion and portray yourself as a follower of a religion in the public eye, then I think it’s kind of important to actually abide by the rules of your religion. Ya know, like not stealing or killing people or eating a forbidden food on a holy day. But maybe that’s just me? Dunno. I would like to think that religious hypocrisy would bother other people, too.

I bring this up because, recently, I asked a relative for forgiveness for a wrong I did to her last year. This was a small thing. It was not a crime or a sin or a social taboo. It was just something I did because she got me mad and refused to have respect for my boundaries. But then again, I was going through a lot last year, including an episode of negativity. I regretted the way I acted and what I said so I asked her for forgiveness in the Christmas card I sent to her.

But apparently, she must think that being a Christian doesn’t mean she has to forgive people, because she has not forgiven me. I have to accept this. At least I tried to mend fences!

But I also bring this up because one of my best friends is also a Christian, but she lives a life that is not exactly “Bible-approved.” I’m not going to say what it is here but it’s just that it’s not exactly something that can’t be fixed and yet it’s like fixing her situation is NOT happening and she continues to keep pushing the whole “I’m a Christian” thing like everything is fine. I love my friend and I won’t drop her under ANY circumstances. But I just can’t support her when she gets this way, because I know she is allowing something to continue that is a no-no in her religion but pushing herself as a person of this faith all the same.

This has been a difficult choice for me to make. I know religious hypocrisy when I see it and I just can’t cast a blind eye when it’s happening. It’s like asking someone to be okay with another person being bullied just because that person being bullied is gay. No, I am not okay with mistreating another human being!

I am the same way with myself. It is one of the reasons why I am no longer a Christian: I could never live by what the Bible instructs of its followers. Some things, yes, but not EVERYTHING. And it kinda requires followers to abide by all the rules and not just some of the rules. You don't get to pick and choose what parts of the Bible to follow. You gotta follow ALL the rules. Don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t kill, don’t commit adultery, don’t allow women to have any power over the husband, forgive others just as Jesus forgives you, etc. Ya know, that stuff. I refuse to be subservient to my husband – he and I are equals – so that’s one of the Bible rules I won’t submit to. (There’s also some other stuff but I won’t get into it here. But if anybody asks, I would discuss it!) Also, I personally feel that religion is an Earth-thing, and we are not of this Earth. Also, religion is being used to control people or justify murder. I really don't want to be a part of THAT crowd! I won't kill a person no matter what a religious book says to do, because I know in the end I must stand up before God to be judged. I don't want God to see me as a murderer. And I don't want God to see me as a hypocrite, either. That's why I walked away from religion. I would rather be a sinner than a hypocrite.

I understand that not everybody feels that way. I guess the people I mentioned above are okay with religious hypocrisy. It may bother me, but hey, they make their own choices in life. It's their life and not mine. Up to them how they live it. I still want them in my life and I still love them all the same. So even as my friends and family may be a hypocrite as far as their religion is concerned, I will not break ties with them. I am aware of when such a thing is going on, believe me. I have noticed it happening. But I’m not going to sever ties with them. I’ll still love them and support them when they need that support, just won’t be supporting their hypocrisy.

How to act around a mom who is shopping without her kids

For many moms, having a chance to buy groceries without the kids in tow is darn near impossible. Sometimes, there’s no choice: We gotta take the kids with us to the store. This is especially true when said kid is a baby and there’s no one else available to watch her. By some miracle, though, us moms (and dads, for the stay-at-home crowd) will be blessed with the gift of shopping without the kids. When that happens, there is one rule for everybody else around her: Stay the hell away.

We don’t really like it when a child is constantly tugging on our sleeve asking for every single thing in the store. We don’t really like it when the kids start fighting and it’s a judgment call on whether it’s worth it to try to finish buying food. We don’t really like it when our kids are climbing all over the cart, yanking EVERYTHING off of the top shelves, opening packages we haven’t paid for yet or running around the store.

And that’s just some of the “fun” we get to experience when we are shopping with our kids. Many people who work at grocery stores have many more horror stories of what happens when Mom shows up with children in tow.

For this reason, shopping without the kids is something we moms are starting to enjoy. A lot. It is actually a break away from home for many of us. This is especially true if the kids are on school vacation, if there’s no school or no other way out of the house to get away from the kids and be an adult again. Being able to shop for groceries without the kids is a blessing for us moms. It’s our sacred time.

So if you see a mom shopping without her kids, or if you are in the company of one, keep in mind that this is a Very Special Time that mom is enjoying. It’s the one time that mom can be alone with her thoughts. When she can think in complete sentences without being distracted by a screaming baby and the one time she can actually examine an item she is interested in buying instead of dropping it in mid-inspection to get a child down from a shelf he was climbing.

I know this because I am one of those moms. After many nightmares of shopping with the kids, I have come to value any chance I get to buy groceries by myself or even in the company of another adult. Having another adult around is nice because it allows me to have a grown-up conversation for once instead of talking about Minecraft, but that adult better not try to rush me through the experience or he will get his head bitten off by one Very Angry Mom. (Just ask my husband!)

But when I can shop alone, that’s even better. It’s the one time I can leisurely walk around, instead of running after a child. It’s the one time I can actually THINK about things without a child interrupting me every 5 seconds. It’s the one time I get to just “be me” out there in the world and look at lots of things I don’t normally get to see or try out in the confines of my home.

When shopping alone, I am not interested in conversations with random strangers. I am not interested in babysitting someone else’s child. I just want to be able to enjoy this one chance of solo time as an adult who is not rushed or distracted by children. This is especially true since I’ve been without my own transportation for 2 weeks and can’t exactly go wherever I want to whenever I want to, just to get out of the damn house. (Thank God the kids go back to school tomorrow!!!)

Grocery shopping without my kids is sacred time. It’s my “me time.” And a lot of people would do well to honor our space and let us cherish this small taste of freedom by keeping their distance and leaving us alone.

A fitness goal vs. a weight-loss goal

Around the middle of last year, I made some dietary changes because of a heart scare. I thought these changes would improve my health. I also decided that I needed to exercise more often. The exercising happened here and there, but not as often as I wanted it to. This was why one of my New Year’s resolutions for this year was to exercise every day. I want it to be a daily habit.

I am very happy that since I made those changes, I have not had any chest pains or heart problems since. Seriously, 6 months with NO chest pain has been pretty freaking awesome!

But today someone shared with me a “weight loss” tip. And while I appreciated the info (to eat 6 small meals a day instead of 3 regular meals), this made me think about how the changes I have made might be seen.

Without a doubt, I could stand to lose some weight. I know this. But my recent goals – to eat better and exercise – are not based on any desire to lose weight. They are completely based on my desire to get healthy and fit. Especially fit.

In my sporadic attempts to exercise in the past, I often ended up on the ground or hunched over, huffing and puffing. I know I am out of shape. I used to exercise all the time as a teen and more often as a young woman. That all tapered off after I had kids. I ran a bit here and there, but not for exercise. (Mostly to run after my kids, to catch a bus or to run to a building before they closed!) And, sure, I did calisthenics here and there. But nothing on a continual basis. Nothing constant. And I really DO want it to be constant.

But I’m just so out of shape! Ugh!

I don’t want to be out of shape anymore. I want to be physically fit.

Sure, losing weight would be nice. Dropping a few pant sizes would also be nice.

But losing weight or being skinny are NOT my goals. Being healthy and physically fit are my goals.

I mean, I look at the athletes on American Ninja Warrior and I think, Wow, those people are in shape. They are in prime shape. Top physical form.

I want to be in top physical form, too. That is my goal.

Not losing weight or dropping sizes. Those things are nice, sure, but not what I have my sights fixed on. I have my sights on being healthy and on being fit. I have fitness goals. And I think those are the kinda goals I’ll be more happier to meet.

Mad love for my REAL friends

One thing I have noticed: It's easy to walk away from people you don't really know. It's easy to judge them. It's easy to talk shit about them. It's easy to put them down. Because You. Don't. Really. KNOW. Them!

But recently, earlier this year, I lost a friend because of some stupid, idiotic thing that I did. And, you know, I'm a little confused by that. I really thought this person was my friend. I really thought that this person would understand I was doing something stupid without realizing it, that I made a mistake, and still be my friend.

But I guess not. That person chose to walk out of my life and not look back.

And, ya know, I'm kinda baffled. Is it really so easy to toss a friend to the street these days? Is it really so easy for someone who is supposed to be a friend just get all upset over one stupid mistake and walk away for good?

I have to wonder. I mean, if that is how friendship is these days, then I worry about our youth. I worry about how the future will be.

Even so, despite this experience, I am still grateful for the friends that I still have. Some have been my friend for years – despite EVERYTHING! They stuck with me through the good times and bad times. And, ya know, that means a lot. That pretty much says to me: "I'm your friend no matter what!" (And I am THEIR friend no matter what, too!)

Looking back on this year, not only am I grateful for the people who have stayed by my side, but I must admit I am also a little surprised, too. For a long time, and on several occasions, I was a real bitch. I was negative. Spiteful. Hateful. I had given up on humanity, on the world, and on myself. It was a very terrible time that I was going through and there were many times I would cry and wish for death. There was a lot of anger in me. A lot of self-loathing. And so much regret. It just got to where it was weighing me down. I didn't care about myself anymore and I didn't really take very good care of myself, either. I felt like I deserved to suffer.

But I don't feel that way anymore. It literally feels like a weight has been lifted off of my heart. The gray clouds are gone. The self-loathing is gone. The sense of defeat is gone.

Now there is only love. There is understanding. And a new sense of resolve.

I know I can't blame all this on the bad things that happened this year. And I know I can't blame it on the bad things that have happened in my life, either. I can only blame it on the misguided sense that I had that I needed to be this horrible person so that no one would ever hurt me again. It was like I was hurting them before they could hurt me. I was throwing up these walls, shutting everyone out, and stewing in my own bitterness. I didn’t trust easily because I have been physically, emotionally and verbally hurt by people who I THOUGHT I could trust. Who I thought I could depend on to never hurt me. But they did. So, yeah, I had trust issues.

Yes, I know I have had a sucky life.

Yes, I know people have been cruel to me.

Yes, I know I've had a lot of rotten luck with a lot of things.

But I'm not going to let it make me bitter anymore. I'm not going to allow it to make me angry anymore.

Instead, I'm going to do the exact opposite. I am going to show peace. I am going to show compassion and kindness and forgiveness. Because I know if I give something good, then maybe it will erase something bad.

And, yes, I know we live in a very dangerous world. I know there are A LOT of bad things happening in this world. But we can't add to them. If we give out bad things in the world, then that means there are MORE bad things in the world. And, really, the world has enough bad things going on in it as it is. Do we really want it to get worse?

Now I know that I have hurt people. I have tried apologizing where possible. And, yes, I do feel bad for hurting people. There is nothing I can do to change that. I feel rotten I have hurt people and that I was not there for the people who needed me there. Even so, I have to stop hating myself for that. It has been going on for too long. It has to end. I cannot possibly become a better person if I still have that self-loathing for something I cannot fix. All I can do is try to make things right with those people. And if I can't, then at least make sure I never do that thing again. And I have to be ok with that. I have to trust again. Really, I do. Otherwise, I can't work through things.  It's that simple.

I don't know why I was so negative and bitter this year. Of course, there are a number of reasons.

"Oh, I failed as an author."

"Oh, I’m a failure who can’t get a job."

"Oh, I failed at trying to make a better change in my life."

"Oh, I failed at trying to get a college degree."

Or there are other things. My father died (GEEZ, NOW BOTH OF MY PARENTS ARE GONE!!), I was accused of doing something I didn't (DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M THAT PERSON??!!!), I turned 40 last year (EVERYBODY SAYS YOU TURN INTO A CALLOUS AND HATEFUL PERSON AT 40 SO THERE!) or because I don't have any family living near me (WHY CAN'T MY KIDS SEE THEIR RELATIVES OR GRANDPARENTS EVERY DAY???!!!).

But no matter what the REAL reason was, I cannot allow it to excuse my behavior. We cannot allow our past or other people to define who we are. WE define who we are. It is up to us to choose what kind of person we want to be and that is not on anybody else. It is all on us. It has NOTHING to do with the kind of life we have had or the way people have treated us. It has everything to do with what we choose to do with ourselves despite it all. I was pretty rotten to some people this year. I was just fed up with so much and allowed the negativity to consume me. But I have decided that I am done with all of that. It's over and gone. A new year is right around the corner and that is just the right time for the new me. The old me is gone. I’m not going to be negative anymore. I am going to be positive. Even if I fail again, even if I stumble again, I’ll keep getting back up and CONTINUE to be positive. I will allow more love into my heart and my life. I will also welcome peace into my life.

I am setting off in a new direction now. And I believe this direction will be a better one for me. The RIGHT one.

And I'm glad I still have friends – TRUE FRIENDS – who are still by my side to enjoy this journey with me. It really, really means a lot that they never looked at one thing about me and walked away. They may have wondered about me or momentarily judged me, but they never let me go. They never dropped me. They took everything in – the good and the bad – and they stuck around. They weathered the storm no matter how bad it was. They. Didn’t. Leave. They are still here. And that pretty much tells me they are a real friend.

At this point, though, I have a long way to go. Like I said, I didn't take very good care of myself. I have a lot of work on myself that I need to do. It isn't going to be easy, but at least I won't be going through all of it alone. 

Are we reading ebooks faster than print books?

A website recently conducted a poll among readers to gauge just what kinds of books they are reading, what format they prefer books in, and how many books are read each month between the formats. For example, they compared how many books were read on e-readers compared to print. I was shocked to see that a majority of the respondents reported that they read more ebooks each month compared to print. I was surprised by that result because my situation is the opposite: I take forever to read an ebook but I can finish reading a print book in a week (sometimes even in a day).

Taking note of that survey result, I started to wonder if it’s true that more people read more books faster if it’s on an e-reader. Myself, I don’t have an e-reader, so if I read an ebook, it’s usually a PDF on the computer. This usually explains why I don’t read them very fast: I don’t like sitting at the computer for too long. As it is, these days, I only use the computer once a day.

What is it about ebooks that allows readers to read them faster? I was puzzling over this. Are ebooks shorter? I have seen some ebooks longer that 300 pages. Do we just happen to read faster if words are on a screen? Or is there some mode of convenience which allows people to read them so fast?

Yesterday, as I was waiting for my son to finish his class, I noticed another mom sitting nearby and reading on her Kindle. Her other child was sitting in a chair next to her, reading a print book. The mom’s thumb moved the text along on the screen as she read her ebook while the child took his time reading the pages of his print book. Maybe the mom just happens to read faster but I was still curious if this is how people read ebooks on their e-readers. Are they just scrolling along and taking in the words faster?

I did some research about this on the Internet. With one article I read, it stated that compared to reading ebooks and reading print books, a lot of people don't easily recall what they read in the digital book whereas more people remembered things better when reading a print book. Then I came across this article and have to wonder if reading ebooks faster than print even has anything to do with being able to remember what was just read. 

All this time, I have refused to have an e-reader. I prefer print books because I can read them anywhere and I don’t need them to be charged to read them. I don’t need electricity to read a print book – unless it’s dark, but even then, I can read by candlelight. Or with a flashlight. But if e-readers are indeed still something we can just pull out and read anywhere, I think I would be more open to that. I am not a social person and I would happily take advantage of any free time to just read. So I’m thinking that maybe an e-reader can still work just as much as a print if I want something to read while my kids are watching a TV show or outside playing.

And if using an e-reader means I’ll read ebooks faster, then I’m all the more willing to give it a try. I have a ton of ebooks waiting to be read and it would be nice to finally read them without having to stay chained to a computer to do so.