Mad love for my REAL friends

One thing I have noticed: It's easy to walk away from people you don't really know. It's easy to judge them. It's easy to talk shit about them. It's easy to put them down. Because You. Don't. Really. KNOW. Them!

But recently, earlier this year, I lost a friend because of some stupid, idiotic thing that I did. And, you know, I'm a little confused by that. I really thought this person was my friend. I really thought that this person would understand I was doing something stupid without realizing it, that I made a mistake, and still be my friend.

But I guess not. That person chose to walk out of my life and not look back.

And, ya know, I'm kinda baffled. Is it really so easy to toss a friend to the street these days? Is it really so easy for someone who is supposed to be a friend just get all upset over one stupid mistake and walk away for good?

I have to wonder. I mean, if that is how friendship is these days, then I worry about our youth. I worry about how the future will be.

Even so, despite this experience, I am still grateful for the friends that I still have. Some have been my friend for years – despite EVERYTHING! They stuck with me through the good times and bad times. And, ya know, that means a lot. That pretty much says to me: "I'm your friend no matter what!" (And I am THEIR friend no matter what, too!)

Looking back on this year, not only am I grateful for the people who have stayed by my side, but I must admit I am also a little surprised, too. For a long time, and on several occasions, I was a real bitch. I was negative. Spiteful. Hateful. I had given up on humanity, on the world, and on myself. It was a very terrible time that I was going through and there were many times I would cry and wish for death. There was a lot of anger in me. A lot of self-loathing. And so much regret. It just got to where it was weighing me down. I didn't care about myself anymore and I didn't really take very good care of myself, either. I felt like I deserved to suffer.

But I don't feel that way anymore. It literally feels like a weight has been lifted off of my heart. The gray clouds are gone. The self-loathing is gone. The sense of defeat is gone.

Now there is only love. There is understanding. And a new sense of resolve.

I know I can't blame all this on the bad things that happened this year. And I know I can't blame it on the bad things that have happened in my life, either. I can only blame it on the misguided sense that I had that I needed to be this horrible person so that no one would ever hurt me again. It was like I was hurting them before they could hurt me. I was throwing up these walls, shutting everyone out, and stewing in my own bitterness. I didn’t trust easily because I have been physically, emotionally and verbally hurt by people who I THOUGHT I could trust. Who I thought I could depend on to never hurt me. But they did. So, yeah, I had trust issues.

Yes, I know I have had a sucky life.

Yes, I know people have been cruel to me.

Yes, I know I've had a lot of rotten luck with a lot of things.

But I'm not going to let it make me bitter anymore. I'm not going to allow it to make me angry anymore.

Instead, I'm going to do the exact opposite. I am going to show peace. I am going to show compassion and kindness and forgiveness. Because I know if I give something good, then maybe it will erase something bad.

And, yes, I know we live in a very dangerous world. I know there are A LOT of bad things happening in this world. But we can't add to them. If we give out bad things in the world, then that means there are MORE bad things in the world. And, really, the world has enough bad things going on in it as it is. Do we really want it to get worse?

Now I know that I have hurt people. I have tried apologizing where possible. And, yes, I do feel bad for hurting people. There is nothing I can do to change that. I feel rotten I have hurt people and that I was not there for the people who needed me there. Even so, I have to stop hating myself for that. It has been going on for too long. It has to end. I cannot possibly become a better person if I still have that self-loathing for something I cannot fix. All I can do is try to make things right with those people. And if I can't, then at least make sure I never do that thing again. And I have to be ok with that. I have to trust again. Really, I do. Otherwise, I can't work through things.  It's that simple.

I don't know why I was so negative and bitter this year. Of course, there are a number of reasons.

"Oh, I failed as an author."

"Oh, I’m a failure who can’t get a job."

"Oh, I failed at trying to make a better change in my life."

"Oh, I failed at trying to get a college degree."

Or there are other things. My father died (GEEZ, NOW BOTH OF MY PARENTS ARE GONE!!), I was accused of doing something I didn't (DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M THAT PERSON??!!!), I turned 40 last year (EVERYBODY SAYS YOU TURN INTO A CALLOUS AND HATEFUL PERSON AT 40 SO THERE!) or because I don't have any family living near me (WHY CAN'T MY KIDS SEE THEIR RELATIVES OR GRANDPARENTS EVERY DAY???!!!).

But no matter what the REAL reason was, I cannot allow it to excuse my behavior. We cannot allow our past or other people to define who we are. WE define who we are. It is up to us to choose what kind of person we want to be and that is not on anybody else. It is all on us. It has NOTHING to do with the kind of life we have had or the way people have treated us. It has everything to do with what we choose to do with ourselves despite it all. I was pretty rotten to some people this year. I was just fed up with so much and allowed the negativity to consume me. But I have decided that I am done with all of that. It's over and gone. A new year is right around the corner and that is just the right time for the new me. The old me is gone. I’m not going to be negative anymore. I am going to be positive. Even if I fail again, even if I stumble again, I’ll keep getting back up and CONTINUE to be positive. I will allow more love into my heart and my life. I will also welcome peace into my life.

I am setting off in a new direction now. And I believe this direction will be a better one for me. The RIGHT one.

And I'm glad I still have friends – TRUE FRIENDS – who are still by my side to enjoy this journey with me. It really, really means a lot that they never looked at one thing about me and walked away. They may have wondered about me or momentarily judged me, but they never let me go. They never dropped me. They took everything in – the good and the bad – and they stuck around. They weathered the storm no matter how bad it was. They. Didn’t. Leave. They are still here. And that pretty much tells me they are a real friend.

At this point, though, I have a long way to go. Like I said, I didn't take very good care of myself. I have a lot of work on myself that I need to do. It isn't going to be easy, but at least I won't be going through all of it alone. 

Are we reading ebooks faster than print books?

A website recently conducted a poll among readers to gauge just what kinds of books they are reading, what format they prefer books in, and how many books are read each month between the formats. For example, they compared how many books were read on e-readers compared to print. I was shocked to see that a majority of the respondents reported that they read more ebooks each month compared to print. I was surprised by that result because my situation is the opposite: I take forever to read an ebook but I can finish reading a print book in a week (sometimes even in a day).

Taking note of that survey result, I started to wonder if it’s true that more people read more books faster if it’s on an e-reader. Myself, I don’t have an e-reader, so if I read an ebook, it’s usually a PDF on the computer. This usually explains why I don’t read them very fast: I don’t like sitting at the computer for too long. As it is, these days, I only use the computer once a day.

What is it about ebooks that allows readers to read them faster? I was puzzling over this. Are ebooks shorter? I have seen some ebooks longer that 300 pages. Do we just happen to read faster if words are on a screen? Or is there some mode of convenience which allows people to read them so fast?

Yesterday, as I was waiting for my son to finish his class, I noticed another mom sitting nearby and reading on her Kindle. Her other child was sitting in a chair next to her, reading a print book. The mom’s thumb moved the text along on the screen as she read her ebook while the child took his time reading the pages of his print book. Maybe the mom just happens to read faster but I was still curious if this is how people read ebooks on their e-readers. Are they just scrolling along and taking in the words faster?

I did some research about this on the Internet. With one article I read, it stated that compared to reading ebooks and reading print books, a lot of people don't easily recall what they read in the digital book whereas more people remembered things better when reading a print book. Then I came across this article and have to wonder if reading ebooks faster than print even has anything to do with being able to remember what was just read. 

All this time, I have refused to have an e-reader. I prefer print books because I can read them anywhere and I don’t need them to be charged to read them. I don’t need electricity to read a print book – unless it’s dark, but even then, I can read by candlelight. Or with a flashlight. But if e-readers are indeed still something we can just pull out and read anywhere, I think I would be more open to that. I am not a social person and I would happily take advantage of any free time to just read. So I’m thinking that maybe an e-reader can still work just as much as a print if I want something to read while my kids are watching a TV show or outside playing.

And if using an e-reader means I’ll read ebooks faster, then I’m all the more willing to give it a try. I have a ton of ebooks waiting to be read and it would be nice to finally read them without having to stay chained to a computer to do so.

Dem bones

Last weekend, I started reading the book Forensic Detective by Robert Mann, Ph.D. Before that, I had reread the book Dead Men Do Tell Tales by William R. Maples, Ph.D. Both books are about forensic anthropology. I know this is not exactly a field I myself would ever pursue, but the subject really is quite fascinating. It’s really interesting to learn what happens to the human body after death, as well as matters of decomposition, disposal and how crimes have been solved just from the study of bones. I usually don’t watch the show CSI – though I have seen a few episodes – but this subject really does hold my interest. Because I have been in so many hospitals and been around so many doctors and nurses, I guess I should not be surprised this is something I am interested in. I have seen several patients in several different kinds of situations according to whatever they were going through and I’ve always been fascinated with human anatomy, diseases, sickness and treatment of injuries. Just today I saw the movie Lucy and it made me think about the whole “superhuman” issue.

While I was reading this book, I learned that there is a “bone bible” of sorts out there. A book detailing everything about every single bone in the human body. This book is called Human Osteology: A Laboratory and Field Manual by Dr. Bill Bass. I made a mental note to get my hands on this book. I have been interested in human anatomy for some time but I don’t have a copy of the Gray’s book. My daughter has a book about anatomy. And my son has always been curious about human anatomy.

As I have read this book, I have had moments where I would coil in disgust over what was shared, but I am really interested in this subject and continue reading the book. As I said, it’s really fascinating what happens to the human body after we die.

I have a cardboard skeleton hanging on the door for Halloween, and after I finished reading a chapter in the book today, I just stood there staring at the skeleton. I was thinking, No matter what we look like on the outside, this is what we ALL look like on the inside. I want to try to get a skeleton with all the bones labeled but, failing that, at least a book about them. I am interested in human anatomy, the names of all the bones, so I think coming across that info in the book has really piqued my interest and compels me to want to continue with that study and learn even more.

Routines

I usually have a set of routines for myself. There are the routines during the school week and the routines during the weekend. I have a list of specific routines that I complete every Sunday. Part of them are just for something to enjoy doing once a week and part of them are to get ready for another busy school week.

As I sat at the desk completing one of my Sunday routines, I started to ask myself if this is something I would want to do without if I ever had less time on my hands during my future Sundays to do the normal Sunday routines. Of course, if I had less free time on Sundays, that would mean some of the normal Sunday routines would get removed from my list. Then again, one of the reasons I do these things on a Sunday is because Sunday is less busy. Yes, it IS the day I get ready for the week. It’s the day we prepare for a whole ‘nother week! But it still is not as busy as most days. It just seems like the right day to do these things. But would I be okay with abandoning the newest Sunday routine if I had to?

After some thought, I decided, probably not.

Like I said, some of my Sunday routines are things I enjoy doing, and I enjoy checking in with people I know IRL on one particular site I’m connected with them at. I like seeing what new things they have put up on their pages. I don’t get anything out of this, of course, nor do I expect to. It’s just something that I like to do. These people are kinda important to me so I want to check in with them. (They usually don’t know I am checking in, though!)

I guess some routines are just harder to let go of than most. If I HAD to ditch doing laundry every Sunday, I would GLADLY give that one up! If I had to forego checking the finances Monday through Friday to make sure everything was A-OK, I would be happy to ditch that, too! But reading every day? Watching a show or movie while the kids are in school? Getting up super early on Monday morning so I can enjoy my coffee before the busy day starts? Nope, I don’t think so. Those kind of routines help me to reconnect with my own self, in a way. The reason why I have me-time is because I just need some time to myself to enjoy “me the person” before going back to being “me the mom” or “me the wife.” So I think they are important routines to keep.

So how could checking in with other people I know be important, too? I think it’s important because it’s a chance to remember them again. We don’t normally stay in touch during the week. This is my way of seeing if anything is new with them, even if they don’t know that I happened to pay a virtual visit at their site.