Mad love for my REAL friends

One thing I have noticed: It's easy to walk away from people you don't really know. It's easy to judge them. It's easy to talk shit about them. It's easy to put them down. Because You. Don't. Really. KNOW. Them!

But recently, earlier this year, I lost a friend because of some stupid, idiotic thing that I did. And, you know, I'm a little confused by that. I really thought this person was my friend. I really thought that this person would understand I was doing something stupid without realizing it, that I made a mistake, and still be my friend.

But I guess not. That person chose to walk out of my life and not look back.

And, ya know, I'm kinda baffled. Is it really so easy to toss a friend to the street these days? Is it really so easy for someone who is supposed to be a friend just get all upset over one stupid mistake and walk away for good?

I have to wonder. I mean, if that is how friendship is these days, then I worry about our youth. I worry about how the future will be.

Even so, despite this experience, I am still grateful for the friends that I still have. Some have been my friend for years – despite EVERYTHING! They stuck with me through the good times and bad times. And, ya know, that means a lot. That pretty much says to me: "I'm your friend no matter what!" (And I am THEIR friend no matter what, too!)

Looking back on this year, not only am I grateful for the people who have stayed by my side, but I must admit I am also a little surprised, too. For a long time, and on several occasions, I was a real bitch. I was negative. Spiteful. Hateful. I had given up on humanity, on the world, and on myself. It was a very terrible time that I was going through and there were many times I would cry and wish for death. There was a lot of anger in me. A lot of self-loathing. And so much regret. It just got to where it was weighing me down. I didn't care about myself anymore and I didn't really take very good care of myself, either. I felt like I deserved to suffer.

But I don't feel that way anymore. It literally feels like a weight has been lifted off of my heart. The gray clouds are gone. The self-loathing is gone. The sense of defeat is gone.

Now there is only love. There is understanding. And a new sense of resolve.

I know I can't blame all this on the bad things that happened this year. And I know I can't blame it on the bad things that have happened in my life, either. I can only blame it on the misguided sense that I had that I needed to be this horrible person so that no one would ever hurt me again. It was like I was hurting them before they could hurt me. I was throwing up these walls, shutting everyone out, and stewing in my own bitterness. I didn’t trust easily because I have been physically, emotionally and verbally hurt by people who I THOUGHT I could trust. Who I thought I could depend on to never hurt me. But they did. So, yeah, I had trust issues.

Yes, I know I have had a sucky life.

Yes, I know people have been cruel to me.

Yes, I know I've had a lot of rotten luck with a lot of things.

But I'm not going to let it make me bitter anymore. I'm not going to allow it to make me angry anymore.

Instead, I'm going to do the exact opposite. I am going to show peace. I am going to show compassion and kindness and forgiveness. Because I know if I give something good, then maybe it will erase something bad.

And, yes, I know we live in a very dangerous world. I know there are A LOT of bad things happening in this world. But we can't add to them. If we give out bad things in the world, then that means there are MORE bad things in the world. And, really, the world has enough bad things going on in it as it is. Do we really want it to get worse?

Now I know that I have hurt people. I have tried apologizing where possible. And, yes, I do feel bad for hurting people. There is nothing I can do to change that. I feel rotten I have hurt people and that I was not there for the people who needed me there. Even so, I have to stop hating myself for that. It has been going on for too long. It has to end. I cannot possibly become a better person if I still have that self-loathing for something I cannot fix. All I can do is try to make things right with those people. And if I can't, then at least make sure I never do that thing again. And I have to be ok with that. I have to trust again. Really, I do. Otherwise, I can't work through things.  It's that simple.

I don't know why I was so negative and bitter this year. Of course, there are a number of reasons.

"Oh, I failed as an author."

"Oh, I’m a failure who can’t get a job."

"Oh, I failed at trying to make a better change in my life."

"Oh, I failed at trying to get a college degree."

Or there are other things. My father died (GEEZ, NOW BOTH OF MY PARENTS ARE GONE!!), I was accused of doing something I didn't (DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M THAT PERSON??!!!), I turned 40 last year (EVERYBODY SAYS YOU TURN INTO A CALLOUS AND HATEFUL PERSON AT 40 SO THERE!) or because I don't have any family living near me (WHY CAN'T MY KIDS SEE THEIR RELATIVES OR GRANDPARENTS EVERY DAY???!!!).

But no matter what the REAL reason was, I cannot allow it to excuse my behavior. We cannot allow our past or other people to define who we are. WE define who we are. It is up to us to choose what kind of person we want to be and that is not on anybody else. It is all on us. It has NOTHING to do with the kind of life we have had or the way people have treated us. It has everything to do with what we choose to do with ourselves despite it all. I was pretty rotten to some people this year. I was just fed up with so much and allowed the negativity to consume me. But I have decided that I am done with all of that. It's over and gone. A new year is right around the corner and that is just the right time for the new me. The old me is gone. I’m not going to be negative anymore. I am going to be positive. Even if I fail again, even if I stumble again, I’ll keep getting back up and CONTINUE to be positive. I will allow more love into my heart and my life. I will also welcome peace into my life.

I am setting off in a new direction now. And I believe this direction will be a better one for me. The RIGHT one.

And I'm glad I still have friends – TRUE FRIENDS – who are still by my side to enjoy this journey with me. It really, really means a lot that they never looked at one thing about me and walked away. They may have wondered about me or momentarily judged me, but they never let me go. They never dropped me. They took everything in – the good and the bad – and they stuck around. They weathered the storm no matter how bad it was. They. Didn’t. Leave. They are still here. And that pretty much tells me they are a real friend.

At this point, though, I have a long way to go. Like I said, I didn't take very good care of myself. I have a lot of work on myself that I need to do. It isn't going to be easy, but at least I won't be going through all of it alone.