Several years ago, I went through an experience that
pretty much tore apart my perceptions of reality. I dreamed about someone for 15
years. And out of all of that, I ended up believing that those dreams were
real. I started to believe that they MEANT something. And because of this, I
sought out people to help me understand them. I told my story to people who I
THOUGHT could help me figure things out. And instead of helping me figure
things out or understand what was really going on, almost ALL of those people
thought that I was crazy. That I was delusional. And they shunned me for that.
There was only one person who directed me to a book that was actually an
eye-opener and there was another person who believed me but thought this experience
was something else entirely. I also got a lot of flack from family members
because I got so caught up in my fantasy and delusions. At that time, I
BELIEVED in those dreams. I believed that they were something more than just dreams.
But you know what? I WAS delusional. Those dreams got me
caught up in a fantasy. And it was because of those stupid dreams that I went
through ANOTHER experience later in life that really introduced me to the cold
hard truth of what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped into
the ground.
Now. Because of those two experiences, I am a different
person today. One experience led to another. And the bottom line is, I am not
that delusional person anymore. I am not someone who lives in a fantasy world
anymore and likes to play pretend. No, I live in the REAL world. And in the
real world, I rely on FACTS. I rely on what I see with my own two eyes.
I KNOW today what that experience was. It wasn’t some
story about what happened in my past life. It was not some mystical connection
to the real-world person in my dreams. It was not some kind of magical bond
between me and this person. It was not someone on the Other Side telling me who
I was fated to be with.
IT WAS MY BRAIN TELLING ME A BUNCH OF LIES!!!!!
The second experience that I went through is what
ultimately pulled me out of that delusion. It broke the fantasy that I was
caught up in. During my divorce, I realized with a very real clarity, and with
a hungry child I had to support all by myself, that living in a fantasy world
was interfering with my ability to live in the real world. And I had to snap
out of that and do the things that Life was demanding that I do!!
This was not an easy thing, because my emotions were
involved. My feelings were involved. But, I had no choice. I had been abandoned
and I was left to fight on my own. I had to figure things out by myself. So I had
to make the decision to ignore my emotions, ignore my feelings, and live in the
real world. I had to do what was expected of me in the real world.
And I have not changed my mind about that decision ever
since. To this day, all that matters is what MUST be done. The RIGHT thing to
be done. Not what I want or what I hope for or fantasize about or what I FEEL.
FUCK WHAT I FEEL!!
And so for this reason, I do not care about feelings or
emotions. And never again have I allowed my feelings or my emotions to play a
role in what I decide to do in life. Feelings and emotions will only get you in
trouble. They will only get you hurt.
I don’t rely on feelings. I rely on FACTS. I rely on what
I see and what is right in front of me. What is true. What is REAL.
I am not a person who is inclined to indulge in fantasy.
In the famous words of Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s
raining.” I believe what I see with my own eyes. I will not laugh and pretend
that someone else’s bullshit is true. Because if it is not fact or real or
something that truly exists in the here and now, then it is all bullshit. This is
why I grew disgusted with politics, because I was tired of all the BS that
politicians were throwing at people. I was not afraid to say if what they were
telling us was bullshit then and the same goes with everyone else that I know
now. I am not afraid to call people out on their bullshit. Maybe that’s why I
don’t have many friends. People like to live in their fantasy worlds. They like
to believe their bullshit. They like to believe the lies they tell themselves –
and they’ll cut off ANYONE who believes otherwise. They will cut off anyone who
won’t believe in THEIR reality.
I am not the person who plays pretend. I am not the
person who indulges in fantasies, delusions or something that is hoped for but
not true. I won’t change that just because it conflicts with another person’s
reality. Fact is fact. What is real is real. That is what I live by and the
reality that I cling to.
So asking me to pretend about something or act like
something is there when it is NOT there is pretty much like asking me to go
back to being that stupid, naïve and delusional person again. I will NEVER be
that person again. I will NEVER go back.
And I’m sorry if that hurts peoples’ feelings, but that
is the way that I am. You cannot expect me to throw what I believe out the
window just because it conflicts with YOUR reality or what you want or if it
makes you uncomfortable. I am not changing just because someone thinks they can
pick and choose what is real and what is not. Or just because of some culture.
I will not change my thinking based on another person’s reality. I won’t do it.
And you can take me as I am or not at all.
