The Unknown

Last night, while I was having dinner with my family, I was struck by a revelation. This particular piece of information that just came to me right out of the blue made me at first feel excited that I was FINALLY AWARE of this Very Important Piece of information that solves a mystery I have been struggling with, then I internally groaned when I realized just how much damage NOT knowing this information has done for my attempts to get a job.

See, I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with this huge GAP on my resumẻ. Ever since I lost my last gig (ghostwriting), I have been trying to get a new gig. Or a new job – either from home or outside of home (despite my limited availability outside of home). But I have had no luck and it’s been very frustrating. I have recently had a job interview, and while the interview went well, something tugged at me. I was never asked about the gap in employment. I DID mention that I write books and articles, but I was never asked why I haven’t been doing anything in between the jobs I HAVE had.

Well, it’s not like I haven’t been doing anything. I have written books, written articles and short stories, and collaborated with another writer on a major book project. I have gotten caught up on things I missed out on when I was so OBSESSED with the writing. And I have worked on dealing with my drinking problem (still sober so far! Woot!) and getting healthy again.

But prospective employers don’t care about any of that. All they see is the GAP. That emptiness where nothing really job-related or work-related happened.

My last gig ended in 2015. And what do I have to show for it since then? Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And last night I realized, WHOA. I should have been spending ALL of that time since then VOLUNTEERING!!!!

Because, you know, volunteering DOES count on a resumẻ. And it would look good. And, hey! Volunteering somewhere just MIGHT have gotten me a new job! Recently, one of my high school friends shared on Facebook about how he volunteered at this place that eventually hired him. After two years of volunteering there, he was HIRED! He landed a JOB through volunteering!

It’s been a little over two years since my gig ended. I could be employed by now! But I didn’t realize that volunteering was something I should have been doing All This Time. It never occurred to me until now. Sure, I WANTED to volunteer, because I think it’s important to give back, but I always thought one thing: JOB. FIRST. Our situation is pretty bad right now so of course I put more of a priority on trying to earn money with books or getting a job that PAYS. But I write books that don’t sell. And I haven’t YET gotten a job that pays! (Nice plan, right???)

So, yeah, I was pretty disheartened that I didn’t realize this sooner. Once again, I made writing a priority, and I shouldn’t have. Once again, I chose the WRONG thing to rely on to solve our problems.

I just wish that someone had told me this sooner. That maybe, you know, someone would have suggested I volunteer because it would look good on the resumẻ. I know one of my sisters suggested it, but I said “Oh, no! I need a JOB!” and that’s where the conversation ended. (I am not mad at her for not telling me it would look GOOD on my resume to volunteer. Really. I don’t think it occurred to her to mention that. But, nevertheless, she planted that seed in my head.)

And this made me remember about how this is so often the case with people. They don’t TELL me things. There have been SO many times that I said or did something wrong, and after I was given a dirty look and that person stormed off (and out of my life), I never knew what my mistake was. I never realized what I had said or did wrong. I was pretty much left in the dark. They just ASSUMED that I knew, that I intentionally did this Very Bad Thing, and that I am a Horrible Evil Person who does or says these horrible, evil things so they don’t want anything to do with me anymore. Or first they stomp on me THEN they don’t want anything to do with me anymore.

I know what it’s like for people to talk shit about you behind your back. And that’s one of the reasons why I am not so trusting of people I don’t know. (Then again, people I knew did have done this too.)

This made me recall one particular unfortunate experience in which I became ostracized from a message board. I used to be a part of the community of writers at the Absolute Write. For years, I participated in chats and posted on message boards. I considered some people there to be dear friends. Eventually, I became a mod for one of the boards, and I even got to have my own board too (it was based on one of my books). But, later, that board was deleted due to inactivity. Still, I felt there was still a need for that particular topic, so I decided to create my own board elsewhere featuring that topic. There wasn’t much activity on THAT board so, yeah, I saw personally that there REALLY wasn’t much of a need for that topic on the Internet. (I am horrible at predicting trends. Sigh!) So I deleted that one because it was just a waste of time. Then eventually, I lost my modship of a board on the AW site. And soon after that, some of the mods I used to communicate with started treating me unkindly. Some of them were nasty to me. I even received a particularly unflattering email from one of them that dripped with snarkiness. For this reason, I left that site because I no longer felt welcome there. I eventually unfriended two of those people on Facebook because I no longer felt comfortable allowing them to see ALL of these private details about my life because I didn’t trust them anymore. And after all that went down, to this day, I don’t know why they all of a sudden hated me. I don’t know what I did wrong. NOBODY TOLD ME ANYTHING!

And that’s just it. Sometimes, people don’t tell me if I screw up. I guess they just assume I meant to do something bad? Or that I am a Horrible Evil Person? I don’t know. I may NEVER know! People like to assume things and people like to believe their own lies! Hell, some of them LIKE playing the victim, this person that Evil Dawn hurt, and soak up all the sentiment from everybody else.

I hate to break it to the world at large, but I wasn’t exactly raised with decent morals. I’m sorry, but it’s true. There was a lot of lying, cheating, manipulation, betrayal, stealing and, well, violence in my family. I didn’t exactly have a charmed, loving life before entering adulthood. And all of us kids had to learn EVERYTHING about being decent people the hard way. We had to make mistakes. We had to screw up. Some of us NEVER tried to be better people after leaving home, but some of us WANTED to be decent and upstanding citizens. And we tried. We fell down so many times but we got back up and tried again!

And I just don’t know ALL of the rules about the right way to communicate with people or interact with others in society. I look at what other people do and copy THAT because it seems to be the right thing to do. Or I just saw things differently – even the things that were WRONG! (I had to learn later that wrong is still wrong, no matter HOW I saw it!) So, I had to learn the right things the hard way. I am still learning, apparently. I just wish people would TELL me when I screw up. They don’t, and that just holds everything back.

It would be NICE if people tell me when I screw up. And, I have had the good fortune of having such people in my life. Thankfully, there ARE people who actually took the initiative to tell me if I did something wrong or I said something wrong. One person even read me the Riot Act and, after I apologized profusely, we eventually made up. We are still friends to this day! This also happened with another friend. Even if it takes blowing up at me over a mistake or being rude in an email, I STILL appreciate it that I am being told that I screwed up and WHAT that mistake was. (You guys know who I am talking about. I love you guys!) I am very, very grateful to them for telling me what went wrong AND for forgiving me AND still being friends with me. And, even better, that they don’t hold that mistake against me for the rest of my natural life. I realized I screwed up, apologized, made amends, and didn’t do that Bad Thing again. They know this. They understand this. And I value them all the more because of it. They are in my circle.

I especially value them because I know how very frustrating it is NOT to be told what I did wrong. Some people just cut me off or they hated on me first THEN cut me off because they didn’t want to discuss this mistake or they assumed I INTENTIONALLY meant to hurt them or do them wrong and decided to just hate me forever.

I am also grateful that I was told about what I did wrong or what I was not doing right or why what I had said was bad. You know, it’s good to know these things. Knowing these things helps me to REALIZE that, Oh, that was not cool. That was a Bad Thing. Don’t do that again! That’s how we learn and that’s how we grow. There is no manual or instruction book for this journey called Life. We’re pretty much thrown into the woods and expected to figure shit out on our own! Nobody is perfect! And we ALL make mistakes – even the people who decide they don’t want anything to do with someone who makes mistakes. So it’s a good idea to TELL people they have screwed up, why they screwed up, what they did, and how they can fix things! Let. People. Know. Just SAY something! Instead of assuming shit.

Or maybe they feel better about assuming shit. I don’t know. I guess they need more drama or excitement in their lives.

Meanwhile, I am pretty much left on my own to figure things out, when they DON’T say anything. And it may take me a Very Long Time to figure shit out. It may take me years before I get that “bolt of knowledge” and realize, Ohh. That is what I did wrong. Or I may never know. And it’ll just be this unresolved issue in my past that survives into the future and the other person or people affected will forever remember me with that mark on my name. They’ll be the ones who will be stewing over the mistake and being angry about it, though. Not me, because I won’t even know what it was.  

Rich man marries poor girl? Not in the real world!

Recently, I read a novel that I basically enjoyed, but one thing in that book really touched a nerve with me. One character in the story is a wealthy public figure and he’s in a relationship with a woman who is not so wealthy, not so famous, and not so widely known.

Well, he WAS, anyway. He didn’t exactly live.

But the thing that bugged me was this man’s family pressuring him to break off his engagement to the woman and be with someone else – preferably, someone with more money and fame. Specifically, someone who was famous like him.

This bothered me a lot because it reminded me of how the rich only want to be with the rich. And this man in the story was very likely to do what his family wanted him to do and break things off with that woman! It probably would have happened, if he hadn’t been killed. Rich people only want to be in relationships with rich people. Rich people will only marry rich people. That’s the way it’s been and the way it always will be.

Now, I understand WHY things are this way. I know that “people in power” and celebrities will only get close to a person who has the same degree of power or money or fame because this is how they protect themselves. Anyone under them can be unpredictable. They could be thieves, liars, manipulators, tricksters, users and, well, murderers. And, they could also pull them down to their level or embarrass them because they are not so well brought up or trained to be graceful or raised with the same morals they were. So, the rich person USUALLY gets together with another rich person because they both feel financially secure enough to have their own boundaries and trust issues in place. They feel it’s okay to trust another rich person because – guess what? That person is also rich! So they don’t put themselves at risk of losing money or anything else to that person.

On the other hand, there is the side of greed involved. Being with another rich person means they stand to gain more money, fame and maybe even a higher standing in society. They prefer to schmooze and rub shoulders with fellow wealthy and powerful people in order to get more attention and coverage in the media. They want to be noticed and talked about so they get into relationships with other wealthy people. And if they’re lucky enough to marry that person, then all the better: They’ll get more money from a divorce. This is why marriages don’t last in Hollywood: They were only after more money! Who cares about love. Love means NOTHING to them. They only see dollar signs and publicity.

And the rich would rather be selfish with their money too. They care only about themselves and they like to spend their money on THEMSELVES. They would rather be with someone who can already support themselves and their families so that they won’t have to shoulder any financial burden. Rich people only want to spend money on themselves and their happiness. Heaven forbid they spend any money on a non-wealthy person who has a kid to support! Help out someone with a kid? The scandal! The rich would rather spend the money on themselves and be selfish with their money. So, that is another reason why they only get into relationships with the rich.

And, finally, another reason why the rich only get into relationships with the rich is because of family pressure. A rich person usually comes from a rich family. The family stands to gain financially FROM that rich person. They all share his wealth. And if he got with someone who wasn’t so rich and ended up supporting that woman because, naturally, their lifestyle would be HIS lifestyle because he is used to it so much and she would try to uphold that lifestyle for him because she would now have all eyes on her, too, then that means his family would benefit from his wealth less. No more expensive vacations in Mexico, cruises, lush living arrangements or fancy clothes. They would lose out on his wealth because it is now being directed elsewhere. So of course the family pressures him to only have relationships with the wealthy.  

If someone who isn’t wealthy is even THINKING they have a chance to be with someone who is wealthy: STOP. Get your head out of the clouds. Stop dreaming. The rich only want to be with the rich. They like to play head games and hurt non-wealthy people and play with their emotions because it amuses them. That’s how they have fun. They would never, ever want to be with a non-wealthy person. It just doesn’t happen and won’t happen. The rich only want to be with the rich.

Fact and fiction

Several years ago, I went through an experience that pretty much tore apart my perceptions of reality. I dreamed about someone for 15 years. And out of all of that, I ended up believing that those dreams were real. I started to believe that they MEANT something. And because of this, I sought out people to help me understand them. I told my story to people who I THOUGHT could help me figure things out. And instead of helping me figure things out or understand what was really going on, almost ALL of those people thought that I was crazy. That I was delusional. And they shunned me for that. There was only one person who directed me to a book that was actually an eye-opener and there was another person who believed me but thought this experience was something else entirely. I also got a lot of flack from family members because I got so caught up in my fantasy and delusions. At that time, I BELIEVED in those dreams. I believed that they were something more than just dreams.

But you know what? I WAS delusional. Those dreams got me caught up in a fantasy. And it was because of those stupid dreams that I went through ANOTHER experience later in life that really introduced me to the cold hard truth of what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped into the ground.

Now. Because of those two experiences, I am a different person today. One experience led to another. And the bottom line is, I am not that delusional person anymore. I am not someone who lives in a fantasy world anymore and likes to play pretend. No, I live in the REAL world. And in the real world, I rely on FACTS. I rely on what I see with my own two eyes.

I KNOW today what that experience was. It wasn’t some story about what happened in my past life. It was not some mystical connection to the real-world person in my dreams. It was not some kind of magical bond between me and this person. It was not someone on the Other Side telling me who I was fated to be with.

IT WAS MY BRAIN TELLING ME A BUNCH OF LIES!!!!!

The second experience that I went through is what ultimately pulled me out of that delusion. It broke the fantasy that I was caught up in. During my divorce, I realized with a very real clarity, and with a hungry child I had to support all by myself, that living in a fantasy world was interfering with my ability to live in the real world. And I had to snap out of that and do the things that Life was demanding that I do!!

This was not an easy thing, because my emotions were involved. My feelings were involved. But, I had no choice. I had been abandoned and I was left to fight on my own. I had to figure things out by myself. So I had to make the decision to ignore my emotions, ignore my feelings, and live in the real world. I had to do what was expected of me in the real world.

And I have not changed my mind about that decision ever since. To this day, all that matters is what MUST be done. The RIGHT thing to be done. Not what I want or what I hope for or fantasize about or what I FEEL. FUCK WHAT I FEEL!!

And so for this reason, I do not care about feelings or emotions. And never again have I allowed my feelings or my emotions to play a role in what I decide to do in life. Feelings and emotions will only get you in trouble. They will only get you hurt.

I don’t rely on feelings. I rely on FACTS. I rely on what I see and what is right in front of me. What is true. What is REAL.

I am not a person who is inclined to indulge in fantasy. In the famous words of Judge Judy, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” I believe what I see with my own eyes. I will not laugh and pretend that someone else’s bullshit is true. Because if it is not fact or real or something that truly exists in the here and now, then it is all bullshit. This is why I grew disgusted with politics, because I was tired of all the BS that politicians were throwing at people. I was not afraid to say if what they were telling us was bullshit then and the same goes with everyone else that I know now. I am not afraid to call people out on their bullshit. Maybe that’s why I don’t have many friends. People like to live in their fantasy worlds. They like to believe their bullshit. They like to believe the lies they tell themselves – and they’ll cut off ANYONE who believes otherwise. They will cut off anyone who won’t believe in THEIR reality.

I am not the person who plays pretend. I am not the person who indulges in fantasies, delusions or something that is hoped for but not true. I won’t change that just because it conflicts with another person’s reality. Fact is fact. What is real is real. That is what I live by and the reality that I cling to.

So asking me to pretend about something or act like something is there when it is NOT there is pretty much like asking me to go back to being that stupid, naïve and delusional person again. I will NEVER be that person again. I will NEVER go back.

And I’m sorry if that hurts peoples’ feelings, but that is the way that I am. You cannot expect me to throw what I believe out the window just because it conflicts with YOUR reality or what you want or if it makes you uncomfortable. I am not changing just because someone thinks they can pick and choose what is real and what is not. Or just because of some culture. I will not change my thinking based on another person’s reality. I won’t do it. And you can take me as I am or not at all.

Always have a Plan B!

I hate it when people make assumptions and/or jump to conclusions and think that THEY are right. It’s worse when people make assumptions and post an angry comment about it on Facebook.

In a perfect world, people would ASK about things BEFORE judging others or jumping to the wrong conclusions.

But we don’t live in a perfect world. Humans are fallible. Humans make mistakes. And, humans are unpredictable. I was reminded of this last night when someone blew a gasket over something and decided to flake out on helping us. Apparently, their problem – WHATEVER IT WAS – was so terrible that they wanted to make innocent, defenseless animals suffer for it. He took his anger out on the animals, for SOME REASON, even though it was not THEIR fault! And so, yeah, it was a NICE reminder of just how unpredictable people can be. I was saying last night about how I couldn’t even wrap my brain around why he was doing that, but he did that, and we had to call in reinforcements. (What’s done is done and there was nothing we could do about it. We just had to make other arrangements and move forward. That’s all we COULD do!)

These reinforcements that my daughter called in were our Plan B. But I did not stop there: I had a Plan B for my Plan B! Because that’s just the kind of person that I am.

I tell my kids, “Always have a Plan B!” Put another plan into place just in case the original plan does not work out or something goes wrong. And if life has taught me anything, there is ALWAYS something that COULD go wrong! Things just never work out the way we want them to. That’s life!

My habit of always having a Plan B is something I WILL NOT apologize for doing, though. And I’m sorry if it makes people uncomfortable or if peoples’ feelings are hurt or if people are going to judge me wrongly just because I always have a Plan B, but life has been too chaotic and I’ve had to deal with A LOT of bullshit both from people AND from life that I’m not about to change my way of doing things. And I really, really feel that having a Plan B for everything is kind of a good thing.

My decision to make a Plan B in this particular case – my Plan B being having back-up in place – was not a reflection of the person we called in for help. I am not judging anyone. I am not making assumptions of anyone. I am not acting like I don’t trust someone enough to have a key to my house while I am gone. It is not that AT ALL.

It is only me having a Plan B! That’s it! That is all there is to it!

And, to be honest, I would feel a whole heck of a lot better having a Plan B – having a back-up person to call in if something goes wrong. When it comes to the welfare of our animals and making sure they don’t starve, I really, really feel a lot better knowing there are other people we can contact for the job of feeding them IF THEY ARE NEEDED.

So, please, PLEASE, do not take this personally. I am not going to change this decision.

I am just the kind of person to always have a Plan B. I have been through too many experiences of trying to do things in life and things being shot to shit or not going the way that I hoped and I just really don’t trust having one plan in place anymore. I need to have two plans for something! Or even three plans! THAT IS JUST ME! That is just the way that I am. It is not a reflection for how I feel for anyone or my opinions of anyone. When it comes to things going wrong or life blowing up in our faces like that with the unexpected, we cannot put our feelings into the equation anymore. We have to do what we have to do. And in this case, what we have to do is have back-up if that back-up is needed. I just really feel a lot better if there is another plan in place, and it has NOTHING to do with feelings or emotions or opinions or whether we trust someone AT ALL. This is just me not trusting things going the way that we want them to. Because usually, they don’t.