There is a popular expression that I know too well: “Man plans and God laughs.”
Given that I have had so many things happen in life that seems to permanently knock me off course, it would seem that this is the theme for my laugh. But I don’t blame God for my misfortunes! I blame Life itself. It’s like Life – with a capital “L” – is lurking in a corner and waiting to strike with a lightning bolt every time I get an idea for something that I want to do. And sometimes, those bolts strike so well that they pretty much knock me to the ground for good. One thing I say to my kids when things don’t go right is “Get back on that horse!” But when these things happen – these things that permanently cancel out my plans – I can’t get back on that horse. The horse has pretty much taken off without me!
This is why I often cry out, “Every time I try to DO something!”
I am not talking about temporary setbacks. I know those are only temporary and should not be seen as the end-all for things that I try to do. (Hey, I didn’t let rejection stop me from getting my first book published!) I am talking about the things that have pretty much deep-sixed my plans.
Like today, for example. All I wanted to do was go for a walk this morning. That’s it! Just an innocent morning stroll.
But it didn’t happen.
Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch, watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, when I suddenly wanted to check my phone (which was on a charger nearby). So I got up from the couch and, suddenly, I had muscle spasms in my back and I was on the floor and couldn’t move. I was in a lot of pain! In the course of my falling, I knocked the phone from its perch and it fell to the floor with me. Fortunately, the screen did not crack and the phone was not broken. Phew! It still worked okay. Also fortunately, my son was with me, so he helped me out by getting the Ibuprofen and ice pack. (I had to swing my body around to move it to a sitting position on the couch. I was pretty much frozen into a sitting position when my back went out!)
So, yeah. My back went out on me yesterday. I am just so glad someone was there to help me when it happened. But this morning, I woke up with more muscle spasms and it was pretty much an indication that I wasn’t going to be able to go for that walk. I just wanted to go for a walk! Dammit.
But this is pretty much an example of how things happen that cancel out other things. I know, life’s full of disappointments. I know, we gotta be able to deal with things not working out the way we want them to. (I know this SO WELL!!) And I know we gotta “roll with the punches” in life. That’s what I tell my kids: Learn how to roll with the punches. Be adaptable to things going wrong or not the way we want them to.
But it’s like I have done so much rolling and rolling and rolling because of one punch after another. It’s crazy! It’s frustrating! And sometimes it has even made me scream, “Fuck you, Life!!”
Because it just keeps happening.
I wanted to join the Air Force as a teen.
BOOM!
I became deaf.
I wanted to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity.
BOOM!
My parents forbade it.
I wanted to go to college in Boston.
BOOM!
My parents forbade that, too.
I applied to this other school closer to home.
BOOM!
The letter of recommendation from someone fucked that up.
I ask for a raise at one of my jobs.
BOOM!
I got fired.
I wanted to meet someone.
BOOM!
That got fucked up, too.
I finally get a job working for a publishing company.
BOOM!
The boss turned out to be shady (lying to authors and charging hidden fees) so I was forced to resign.
I finally got a new job after months of applying for one.
BOOM!
It turned out to be a scam. (Why are there so many sucky people in this world? Ugh.)
So, yeah. I have had things happen that permanently canceled out certain things I wanted to do in life. The temporary obstacles are only temporary. Ya know? I wasn’t able to do something the first time (like take a first aid course – the instructor was an asshole so I dropped it), but I’ll try them again! That’s why there are two main things, two very important things, that I am going to try to make happen in my life again. (Running in a race without coming in last and starting my own publishing company.) (Am I jinxing myself just by revealing them???) I won’t give up on these things because they are VERY important to me! I don’t want to leave this world without doing them! And I won’t give up on them, either!
But I have had to give up on other things after certain events canceled them out. I have just had to learn to say “Fuck this shit!” and walk away. Those things were NOT going to happen for me in this lifetime! They were NOT going to be a reality for me! So I have had to learn to accept the fact that sometimes things don’t work out the way I want them to.
But, dammit, it’s like that KEEPS happening! That’s like the theme for my life! It’s Mission: Impossible!!! I want to do something then some shit comes along canceling it out. Are these things being canceled out for a reason? Is Life doing this for my own good? Or are these HUGE GINORMOUS OBSTACLES not as permanent as I think they are?
Well, I am grateful that at least I have managed to accomplish some things in life. I mean, yeah, I’ve been able to do things I have set my mind to. I read 100 books in a year. At a time in my life when I was desperate for a baby, I soon had a baby! When I wanted to get my book published by a REAL publisher because the first one was scammy, I got my book published by a real publisher! (And, no, I didn’t pay a dime for that, either.) I wanted to save up for an event for us to go to and, no matter what life threw at us that required spending money, I held on to THAT saved money and we were able to go! So, yes, I have accomplished SOME things I set out to do.
I would like to do other things, too. Make things a reality for my life instead of wishing and hoping and dreaming and going, “Gee, if only…” I have gotten to the point where I don’t want to wish for those things anymore. I wanna make them happen!
Despite the fact that I get knocked off that horse a lot.
But I’ll be damned if I stay down after getting knocked off again. If something gets canceled out, then I’ll try something else! I’ll move on to the next thing! Or, I’ll find some way to make something happen, even if it means stepping outside of my comfort zone. (Been there, done that!) I might get knocked off in a way that cancels out one thing or another that I want to do, and it’s so insanely frustrating that that keeps happening in my life, but experience has pretty much given me the strength to walk away from it all. Just say “Fuck this shit!” and move on with my life. At least I can dust myself off and say, “I tried.” That’s about all that I can do.
